The Schwa Screen Cleanser

If you haven’t heard of The Schwa Corporation, you’ll have certainly seen their alien head T-shirts. Originally a underground art project intended to spoof Californian UFO cultists, Schwa suddenly found itself making money off the back of X-Files mania. It hasn’t lost its sense of humour though, as the Screen Cleanser screen saver package proves.

"Dare to be difficult" says one of the stickers in the Schwa Screen Cleanser’s packaging. At least installing the screen savers in this package is easy, just run the set up program, and everything is ready to go. You’ll find the Screen Cleanser in your Windows 3.1 or 95 screen savers menu, but once you’ve selected it and clicked the set up button, you’ll find your computer has entered the warped world of Schwa. It’s a world where the printed instructions warn you that if you don’t have enough hard disk space, your computer may become "petulant".

There’s no menu - just a Shake’n’Vac can of boron-enhanced screen cleanser. It you click on it, you’re taken to the back of the can, and a series of cryptic buttons. One of these tells you not to press it, and when you do, you find an order form for more Schwa products… Others let you choose which screen saver you want to use, and how fast it moves, and what sounds it makes. If you want technical information, just click, and the program politely tells you that "In The Future Everything Will Work".

The six different screen saver modules are all similar - black and white (with occasional red flashes) images or text that drift gently over your PC’s screen. This isn’t a complex piece of software, even compared to the free and shareware screen savers you’ll find on the Net, but it does have a definite ridiculous nature. The first module is the standard Schwa icon, an alien head, familiar to any X-Files fan, with its large oval eyes. You’ll see the logo again in the second module, "Fly Schwa". Here a winged alien head flaps slowly across your PC’s screen. We rather enjoyed the "Inspirational Image" module, where two warring alien groups battle outside their organisations: The Sacred Church Of Human Wishes & Aspirations and The Society For Complete Human World Annihilation. The other three screen savers move away from the alien theme, to the more insidious role of the computer in the modern world. One warns you that as your PC is busy, your brain has been requisitioned to provide additional processing power. Another tells you to turn your computer off, whilst the third liberally shakes a can of screen cleanser all over your monitor (no doubt leaving it sparkling and fresh).

These days screen savers don’t really do anything more than add a personal touch to your PC. The Schwa Screen Saver certainly provides an eccentric way of putting your mark on a PC, with its mix of subversive messages and UFO imagery. And if you’re wanting to do more than decorate your PC’s screen, you’ll find a selection of Schwa stickers in the package.

Simon Bisson